Sixtysomething_Season 2_Episode 4_Building Resilience

60s_S2_Ep4_Building Resilience

[00:00:00] GTS: Welcome back to Sixty-Something, the podcast where we talk about the real issues of life in our sixties and beyond. I'm your host, Grace Taylor Segal, and I'm so glad you're here. Today, we're diving into something that's been on my mind lately, especially after I read an article in The New York Times last week that got me thinking. The article was called "I Used to Be Resilient. What Happened?" by Eric Vance. It struck a chord, not so much because I share the younger-than-us writer's perspective that life's ups and downs feel a little harder to bounce back from after 50. He says that things he might have brushed off in his thirties and forties hit differently and a little harder now. I don't feel that way at all in my sixties, but figuring out how to build on the resilience that has helped us get through so many challenges in life is something we can all agree is a worthwhile endeavor. That's what today's episode is all about: building resilience. Before we dive in…

[00:01:14] GTS: I want you to take a deep breath.

[00:01:20] GTS: Life has thrown a lot at us. But you know what? We're still here. Good times and bad times. I've seen them all, and I'm here.

[00:01:34] GTS: I couldn't resist. We're still growing, we're still thriving, and if we can learn how to strengthen our resilience, we'll be prepared for whatever comes next. South African activist and the first Black South African president, Nelson Mandela, who served 27 years in prison for his campaign against apartheid, said, "Do not judge me by my success. Judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again."

[00:02:12] GTS: So, let's start with a simple question: What exactly is resilience? When we hear that word, we might think of toughness, like we need to steel ourselves to get through life's toughest moments. But I don't think resilience is about being unbreakable. It's about bouncing back. It's about adaptability—the ability to get knocked down and then somehow, some way, get back up again, like Mandela said.

[00:02:47] GTS: Now, I know you've all done this many times in your lives, and I have too. I look back at my personal setbacks, deeply foolish mistakes, navigating my relationships, raising my five kids, building a career, dealing with family crises, and I think, "Wow, I really did roll with the punches." And now, well, it may sometimes feel like bouncing back takes a little more energy. I'll admit it. I might even hesitate for a second before standing back up after a fall. But all of my experiences—and gratitude for it all, good and bad—along with my faith have equipped me well for the ups and downs I still face in this third act of my life. Time and maturity have left me better able to handle it all. I guess that's resilience.

[00:03:42] GTS: Most of us have had to develop resilience just to survive and get to our sixties. But resilience is a skill we can practice and strengthen. So, let's talk a little about what's going on behind the scenes. Scientifically speaking, resilience has been studied for years, and while some people might naturally be more resilient, research shows that we can all build resilience.

[00:04:07] GTS: Resilience is tied to brain plasticity, meaning our brains can continue to adapt, grow, and become more resilient even as we age. It's not just about making a comeback from a single setback. It's about building the emotional, mental, and even physical habits that make us more flexible and adaptable over time. Positive psychology, for instance, shows that optimism, social support, and a sense of purpose are all key ingredients for resilience. And here's the good news: we can develop those things and continue to grow those qualities at any age. I've always been inspired by stories about resilience. One powerful story that comes to mind is the one former Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg tells in Option B, which she wrote with resilience expert Adam Grant. Sheryl's husband of 11 years, Dave, died suddenly at the age of 47 due to a coronary arrhythmia while the couple was vacationing in Mexico. She and their grade-school-age children were devastated.

[00:05:20] GTS: Just two weeks after his death, she was preparing for how to handle a father-child activity for one of their kids. She told a friend, "I want Dave."

[00:05:33] GTS: The friend said, "Option A is not available, so let's just kick the shit out of Option B."

[00:05:44] GTS: That story meant so much to me and continues to, and that's what it's all about for me. We can't always get what we want, but if we try sometimes, we just might find we get what we need. Yes, I guess this is the singing episode.

[00:06:07] GTS: It's all about finding resilience in the face of adversity, finding our Option B.

[00:06:13] GTS: So now that we understand what resilience is, let's talk about what we can do to strengthen it. Here are five strategies that I've found helpful, and I hope they resonate with you too. You have to focus on what you can control—it sounds simple, but I know firsthand it can be tough.

[00:06:30] GTS: There are so many things in life that are outside of our control—maybe even more as we get older. We can't control how others behave, and sometimes we can't even control what's happening with our own health, relationships, or finances. But what we can control is our response. I talk a lot about challenges in my relationships, particularly with my kids.

[00:06:56] GTS: I often feel such a sense of loss and powerlessness because there's so little I can do to change the situations. For me, this is overwhelming, and I start to burn with anger and frustration. Or, I crumble with sorrow. But I've learned to pull back and focus instead on the small things I can control—my attitude, my actions, how I communicate. Reminding myself of how great my life is and how incredibly thankful I am for all of the blessings in my life. You know what? That helps me more than I can actually convey to you. The challenges I face don't magically go away, but it is a little bit magical, the way I'm able to bounce back in the moment, just with that small paradigm shift. Try it the next time you're in that pit of anger or despair. It works.

[00:08:00] GTS: Social connections are important.

[00:08:03] GTS: We need to build and nurture them as we get older. Sometimes our social circles shrink. Kids move away, friends move on, and that can be really hard on us. Interestingly, research shows that staying connected with others is key to resilience. Think about the people in your life who lift you up. How can you nurture those relationships? Maybe it's through a weekly phone call, joining a group, or getting involved in online communities. Don't underestimate the power of a good conversation with a friend—it can really make a difference. And if you feel like your social circle has shrunk, it's never too late to start building new connections. We can do it.

[00:08:54] GTS: A big one is to practice self-compassion. I don't know about you, but I can be my own worst critic. Sometimes, when life throws us a curveball, we're quick to beat ourselves up about how we're handling it. But that doesn't help. Resilience isn't about never struggling—it's about being kind to ourselves when we do struggle. Self-compassion means treating yourself the way you would treat a dear friend. If you wouldn't berate a friend for having a tough day or making a mistake, why do you do it to yourself? One thing I've found helpful and powerful in my life is journaling. Every single day, if I'm up or if I'm down, I'm writing in my journal. If it's a down day or I'm mad about something, I'll write the whole thing out.

[00:09:45] GTS: And as I do, I almost always find myself discovering some grace toward myself and others. I swear to you, I give credit to my sunny disposition—which is a total contrast to my struggle with depression through my thirties—to my faith, writing my feelings out in my journal, living in a place where the sun shines almost every day, and the love I have and have had in my life: Mom, Dad, my husband Aaron, my dog Dorothy...

[00:10:20] GTS: And yes, my kids and my grandkids. Getting that angst, sorrow, anger, and frustration out of your head and heart by writing it all on paper is just incredibly powerful. But I will tell you, every journal I have will be burned before I die. No one can ever read that stuff. It sounds a little crazy, but I also talk to myself. Sometimes I joke, saying, "Okay, goofball, go ahead and have that afternoon Starbucks Nitro Brew, but you'll be sorry." More and more often, I say things out loud to myself like, "Everything is going to be okay."

[00:11:00] GTS: Or, "You can do this. You can do anything." Or, "You're sweet and good. I know you're trying your best, and it's plenty good enough."

[00:11:15] GTS: I know that's a mouthful and perhaps a bit nutty—talking to myself so much—but it's a conscious choice because I want to send myself the very clear message that I love myself. It's important. I finally realized that.

[00:11:31] GTS: And by the way, I talk to my dog, Dorothy, all day long too! Sheesh. I've learned over the years that life rarely goes exactly as planned, and that's okay. Resilience isn't about sticking rigidly to a plan—God knows. It's about being adaptable. Think about how many times in your life things didn’t go as expected, whether it was in your career, with your family, or even now as a sixty-something. Whatever your life is like right now, things turned out okay. Even my daughter, who's almost 32...

[00:12:04] GTS: I see it happening with her. Her rigid notions are softening up, becoming more realistic, more humane. Most people experience that as they grow and mature. Don't you think? How did you adjust in your life? I'm sure you did, because you're here now. Staying open to change and being willing to try new things, even in our sixties, helps keep us resilient. And finally, one of the most powerful ways to build resilience is by having a sense of purpose. What gets you out of bed in the morning?

[00:12:41] GTS: Maybe it's your family. Maybe it's a passion project or volunteering. I've shared with you that during a really dark time in my life, it was my dog that got me up every day. A beautiful book and film about resilience that made a huge impression on me is Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It's about her 1,100-mile hike along the Pacific Crest Trail.

[00:13:06] GTS: She was completely inexperienced at long hikes like that, and she took the walk to recover from the loss of her mother, who died from lung cancer just seven weeks after her diagnosis at 45 years old.

[00:13:23] GTS: Wild is a tale of facing those things that threaten to break us. As Cheryl said, "Nobody has a choice about going on. I had to go on without my mother, even though I was suffering terribly, grieving her. My whole life sort of ended when my mom died when I was 22. I had to remake it again and be a new person in the world without my mom. It was a very primal rebirth time after my mom died. The hike very literally forced me to put one foot in front of the other at a time when emotionally I didn't think I could. The hike gave me that metaphor—a map of how to survive life: to keep moving, to go far."

[00:14:11] GTS: Whatever it is, finding a reason to get up and keep going is so important. The biggest piece of having a good life is having some kind of sense of purpose—something that you're invested in and committed to. Says Sherry Hamby, a psychology professor at the University of the South in Tennessee who studies resilience in impoverished communities.

[00:14:36] GTS: She has found that resilience to traumatic events is your connection to something larger than yourself, whether it's God, family, country, or just your local PTA. The more types of meaning you find, the more stable you are. As we discussed in depth last week, if you define yourself as a mother, a teacher, and an artist, and your role as a mother ends to a great degree...

[00:15:06] GTS: You are still a teacher and an artist.

[00:15:08] GTS: You just have to excavate those parts of your identity and remind yourself of that purpose. It doesn't have to be big and grand. It can be as simple as spending time with loved ones, pursuing a hobby, or even documenting your family's history—something I talk about a lot because it's a passion of mine. Whatever it is that gives your life meaning, lean into it. And remember, we're all in this together.

[00:15:34] GTS: I'd love to hear your stories of resilience. What's worked for you? What are you still working on? Don't be shy—reach out to me in our Facebook group. I want to hear your story. You never know when your story will make a difference for someone else. That's important.

[00:15:50] GTS: I've listed several outstanding resources on the subject of resilience in the show notes—great books, articles, podcasts, films, and TV shows. I hope you'll check them out. Let's support each other as we keep building our resilience day by day. I want to leave you today with one of my favorite poems by William Ernest Henley. I've loved this since I was a teenager.

[00:16:15] GTS: And it seems to be a perfect way to close this episode on resilience. It's called Invictus.

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance,

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

[00:17:17] GTS: Thanks for joining me. Next time, we're going to get back into our legacy building, and I'll share actionable steps for you to get going with that project.

[00:17:27] GTS: Until then, my friends, take care and keep on bouncing back.