Sixtysomething_Season 2_Episode 3_Reclaiming You

60s_S2_Ep3_Reclaiming You

[00:00:00] GTS: Hello friends. Welcome back to another episode of 60 Something. I'm so glad you're here. If you're new to the podcast, this is a place where we explore life, growth, and reinvention in our sixties. We examine the challenges we face, the lessons we've learned, and the incredible opportunities that still await us in this chapter of life. In the second episode of season one of this podcast, we talked about your third act: how to craft a fulfilling and purposeful life after decades of career and family responsibilities.

[00:00:42] GTS: Today, I want to add to that concept and delve into something very personal yet, I believe, rather relatable—reclaiming our identity beyond motherhood or any roles by which we've defined ourselves. So, as you may recall, I planned to talk about resilience this week. And in a way, we're still going to, but something happened to me last week, and I decided I needed to share it with you. I’ve realized over the months since I started this podcast that a lot of my motivation for creating and producing it has been as an outlet to vent my feelings of loneliness, frustration, and anger, as well as more positive things like commiserating with you about different ways of making the most of our sixties. I felt there would be value in sharing all of these thoughts and feelings with others who might be in similar situations. And I sincerely hope that has been the case. I worry that even in my most passionate messages that I've shared with you, I've been a [00:02:00] bit Pollyannish in my conclusions—always coming back around to the bright side of things. It's my nature.

[00:02:09] GTS: I guess I'm inclined to find a positive lesson or a way to use the tough stuff to help me become wiser or more motivated to improve my life in some form or fashion. But that doesn't mean I don't get extremely angry still—and frustrated. I start there with my hair on fire, so to speak, and work my way through, usually ending up in a better place, growing in some way, as I mentioned. So here's what happened that inspired this episode's subject and message. In the middle of a perfectly nice conversation with one of my children, this, uh, child of mine is an absolutely fabulous guy whom I adore. Well, as we discussed some issue he was dealing with, he said something to the effect that it was because of me.

[00:03:18] GTS: The blame. The dreaded blame. Back again. Four decades now. And after heartfelt conversations and apologies on my part, this stuff continues to come up. Too often.

[00:03:39] GTS: In this case, the blame revolves around typical childhood complaints, consequences, uh, like no dessert for tantrums at bedtime—that kind of thing. It seems that this son and I were often on a different wavelength, so we weren't as [00:04:00] close as we could have been. I also worked a demanding job for many years and had five kids at home.

[00:04:06] GTS: Plus a husband. So no one got my full attention as often as they should have. I wish I'd been more patient and kinder. And I have apologized many, many times and tried to take responsibility for my mistakes and to always, always be there for all of my kids.

[00:04:29] GTS: It doesn't seem to matter.

[00:04:32] GTS: I didn't say much in response to his remark, but when I got off the phone, my blood started to boil. Oh my God, I thought. When I asked myself what had happened, when would the thousands of attempts to make amends suffice? Suddenly, something inside me shifted. I thought to myself:

[00:05:00] GTS: No more. I'm done with all of that.

[00:05:04] GTS: It was as if the proverbial straw had broken the camel's back. Aaron came home, and I said, "I'm done. It's over. I'm shedding the skin I've inhabited for 45 years. And I'm reinventing myself as something other than primarily a mother."

[00:05:24] GTS: I have spent years, decades now, feeling guilty, being humble, listening with an open mind, apologizing over and over and over. I thought if I heard what they said, acknowledged my shortcomings and mistakes, and showed enough remorse, we'd finally find resolution. That's basically what happened with me and my parents.

[00:05:53] GTS: And I need to clarify that all of this applies more to some of my [00:06:00] children than others, and more at various stages of our lives than others as well. But on that day, in that moment, something changed. You know, being a mother has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Since my first son was born in 1979, my identity has been deeply intertwined with motherhood. I loved every moment of it: the sleepless nights, the noise, the mess, band practice, play practice, football, and dance. Navigating minor misbehavior and rebellion. I was very confident in my role and in the decisions I made as a mother because I loved and cared for my children so deeply. And that [00:07:00] was my North Star. But as many of you might know yourselves, things can get more complicated as our children grow into adults. You know what they say? Little kids, little problems. Big kids, bigger problems. Something like that. The teenage years brought their own set of challenges—the usual things that keep us up at night.

[00:07:26] GTS: As the kids moved into their twenties and beyond, although I thought the best of times were just beginning, instead it seemed distancing began—and increased. And then the recriminations started. This is probably normal through the twenties, but we’re way past that now. Way, way past that. My youngest is 31.

[00:07:54] GTS: As I processed this most recent incident and my feelings about it, and [00:08:00] yes, cooled down a bit, I realized that the core issue here was not so much about them. It was about me. And how my identity has been so wrapped up in being their mother that I lost a clear vision of who I was before that—who I am. And while motherhood will always be a part of me,

[00:08:30] GTS: I feel it's time to allow motherhood to take its proper place in my life at this time—based on reality and not just my wishful thinking. I don't want to be dragged into past hurts anymore. I've apologized enough. I've reached a point where I need to move forward. So, I've decided to embrace a paradigm shift. And what is a [00:09:00] paradigm shift?

[00:09:00] GTS: Well, it's defined as a fundamental change in the approach or underlying assumptions. An important breakthrough that happens when the usual way of thinking about or doing something is replaced by a new and different way. Bingo. I'm ready to reclaim and redefine my true identity, moving beyond the confines of my 45-year primary role as a mother. I want to share the significance of this experience with you because I believe it's something many of us grapple with at this stage of life.

[00:09:42] GTS: It's revolutionary when you think about it—the idea of reclaiming and redefining ourselves after so many years.

[00:09:53] GTS: Let's dive a little deeper into this. Let's talk about the emotional toll of [00:10:00] holding on to past roles, the impact it has on our well-being, and how we can embrace a new chapter with open arms. And it's not just the mother role that can define and limit us. The roles of daughter, son, sister, brother, even wife can overwhelm our identity and take it over, depending on our situation. I know that my identity as a daughter, a role that was a major part of me, also changed once both of my parents and my father-in-law died. And Aaron and I are similarly independent, and over the years, we've found a way to be individuals who connect in the ways that work for us in our marriage but don't overwhelm us. It took us a few years.

[00:10:55] GTS: Okay. Many years to get that right, but we really did. [00:11:00]

[00:11:01] GTS: Let's acknowledge the emotional weight we've been carrying. For me, being reminded of past mistakes and feeling bad about myself with regard to these people who have been and still are so important to me took a significant toll on my self-esteem and even my happiness. I spent so much energy trying to engineer goodwill and closeness and fix things that may never be fully resolved that it depressed me because I mostly failed. But, you know what? That's okay. It's okay because I can't change the past.

[00:11:44] GTS: No one can. We can only learn from it and make peace with it. And I certainly can't control others, even my own children—especially my own children. Right? I've decided that when conversations start veering into [00:12:00] blame and my transgressions, I'll gently steer them in a different direction. Not because I want to ignore their feelings, but because dwelling there just isn't healthy for any of us anymore. I've also realized that by holding onto guilt and allowing it to define me, I was stunting my own growth, preventing myself from fully blossoming—or re-blossoming—and enjoying my 60-something life to the fullest. I have so many interests and passions

[00:12:37] GTS: that have been waiting on the sidelines in boxes and notebooks and piles of paper. It's time to give them the attention they deserve. For me, it's writing, doing this podcast. When I'm immersed in these activities I love, I feel more connected to myself than I have in [00:13:00] years. It's like reconnecting with an old friend—the friend I used to be before motherhood became my primary identity.

[00:13:11] GTS: How do we start this process of reclaiming our identity? First, we need to set healthy boundaries. This doesn't mean cutting off our loved ones or shutting down important conversations. It means recognizing when a discussion is no longer productive and giving ourselves permission to step back. Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect.

[00:13:38] GTS: It allows us to protect our emotional well-being while still being present for our loved ones in a healthier way. Next, we need to focus on self-care, especially those interests and passions I mentioned. Giving ourselves permission to explore these activities is [00:14:00] vital. Engaging in our interests not only brings joy but also helps us reconnect with aspects of ourselves that may have been neglected. It's about nurturing our own souls so that we have more to give, not from a place of emptiness, but from abundance. Letting go of guilt is another crucial step.

[00:14:24] GTS: We have to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we've made. We're human, after all. Holding onto guilt doesn't change the past. It only robs us of the pleasure and satisfaction we can find in the present. Forgiveness is liberating. It frees us from the chains of regret and allows us to move forward with a lighter heart and an open mind. It's a revolutionary act of self-love to reclaim our identity. By doing so, we not only improve our own [00:15:00] lives but also set an example for our children and those around us. We show them that it's never too late to grow, to change, and to find fulfillment. I want to encourage you to take a moment and reflect. Are there areas in your life where you're holding on to a role that's no longer serving you? Are you carrying guilt or regret that's weighing you down? If so, I invite you to join me on this journey of self-discovery and renewal. Let's embrace our third act with the wisdom we've gained and the passions that still burn within us. Let's talk about the impact

[00:15:44] GTS: this shift can have not just on ourselves, but on our relationships. By reclaiming our identity, we often find that our interactions with others improve. We're no longer approaching relationships from a place of need or [00:16:00] unresolved emotion or bitterness. Instead, we're engaging as whole individuals, bringing our true selves to the table. This doesn't mean all our relationships will magically become perfect, but it does mean we can navigate them with more clarity and less emotional baggage. I also want to touch on the concept of self-compassion. We often extend kindness and understanding to others but neglect to offer the same to ourselves. Practicing self-compassion means acknowledging our imperfections without judgment and treating ourselves with the same care we would offer a dear friend. It's okay to admit that we're still learning and growing.

[00:16:50] GTS: It's okay to be wrong sometimes. We're all just doing the best that we can. As we move forward, let's remember that [00:17:00] reclaiming our identity isn't about erasing the past or the roles we've played. It's about integrating those experiences into a richer, more authentic version of ourselves. We are amazing, multifaceted beings with so much to offer. Our value isn't confined to any single role, no matter how significant it may have been.

[00:17:29] GTS: I hope my story and these reflections have resonated with you. And if not, I congratulate you. I know there must be people out there with harmonious family lives and, God knows, I salute you.

[00:17:44] GTS: But for those of us who have been on the rollercoaster ride of the ups and downs of parenthood, and especially right now in our sixties, struggling to break out of a painful cycle that neither helps nor [00:18:00] heals anyone, remember reclaiming your identity isn't about dismissing the importance of the roles you've played.

[00:18:07] GTS: It's about expanding beyond them to embrace all of the facets of who you are. Let's support each other as we navigate this exciting and transformative stage of life. I'd love for you to share your experiences with me in our community. The best place to do that is in our Facebook group. The link to that is in the show notes. And I've also created a "Reclaim and Redefine You" worksheet for you to help you do just that—start a new chapter unencumbered by any long-time notions or roles that it's time to move beyond. There's a link to that in the show notes too.

[00:18:50] GTS: And I have a book recommendation. I just happen to be reading a book called Becoming Myself: Living Life to the Fullest After the [00:19:00] Loss of Your Parents. And even though that's not what we've been focused on today, there's some great information in this book. I'll put a link to that in the show notes too, in case you're interested. Thank you for joining me today.

[00:19:14] GTS: Your being here means so much to me.

[00:19:19] GTS: And if you have any thoughts, questions, or stories you'd like to send to me, don't hesitate to get in touch. My email address is also in the show notes. In our next episode, we will, I promise, explore resilience and celebrate that quality in ourselves that got us this far. We’ll also figure out how to increase it as we move through the next few decades. Remember, it's never too late to become who you were always meant to be. Let's embrace the journey together, supporting each other.

[00:19:54] GTS: As we step into our authentic selves. Take care [00:20:00] and keep your Sunnyside up. Thank you for listening to 60 Something. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with others who might get something out of it. My goal is for us to grow together and inspire each other. Bye for now, my friends. Hold on. Oh, wait a minute. Don't go yet. I have late-breaking news. An important update to this episode.

[00:20:33] GTS: As I was preparing to record this, I got a call from one of my kids.

[00:20:37] GTS: Yes, it was that same fellow who reminded me of my parental mistakes just last week. And I said nothing about our previous conversation. But this time, somehow, the conversation led to a different place where he said, and I quote, "Mom,

[00:20:58] GTS: I never think anything bad [00:21:00] about you. You were there for me when no one was at the worst time in my life. And you got me through it when no one else would or could. I'll never forget that."

[00:21:13] GTS: Folks, I am not kidding.

[00:21:16] GTS: And my response to that was, "Well, shut my mouth." I feel like a lunatic. Please don't judge me as an angsty, reactionary crybaby. It's confusing. Maybe he's growing out of it, or maybe not. Maybe none of them ever will. Maybe they can't. All I know is there's nothing I can do about it. And that I love them with all of my heart. And I'm ready to reclaim the girl/woman/person

[00:21:51] GTS: I was before I was their mother. Now, I'm taking on the full-time role of thought-leading [00:22:00] lady in the continuing story of Grace Taylor Segal. My story. I hope you'll do the same in your life. I'll see you next time.