Sixtysomething_S2_Ep18_ Finding Peace When People Disappoint You

Sixtysomething_S2_Ep18_ Finding Peace When People Disappoint You

[00:00:00] Hi everyone. Welcome to another episode of 60 something, the show where we talk about life in our sixties, the stuff no one warned us about, the beauty, the mess, and everything in between. I'm Grace Taylor Segal. And today's episode is personal. It's the real life stuff. It's about something I've talked about before and I know many of you have experienced too.

Yes. This one's about the adult children. Again, specifically the Rocky Road that we often walk in these relationships and what it feels like to be a loving parent or grandparent and still feel kind of invisible. And left out and wonder, did I do something wrong? [00:01:00] Or if you're like me, what the hell did I do wrong this time?

This episode is not about blame. It's not about being right. It's about the heartache. Many of us scary. It's about the confusing moments when we know we're loved and yet. Now we're left out. It's about, it's about the very real rise of estrangement between parents and their grown kids and how we try to live with and make the best of that without letting it harden us.

It's about my travails with this. The coping mechanisms I'm developing. So let me tell you about what happened recently that kind of set this off. It was my daughter's birthday, [00:02:00] she turned 32. It was a big day, and of course my husband and I really wanted to be there. She's a single mom and there's. Uh, nobody really to spoil her on her birthday, at least not this year.

So we made the two and a half hour drive. We brought gifts, uh, babysat the kids. When she did go out with her friends, we made a beautiful birthday table for when she got up and we did everything we could to make her birthday extra special, not because we were trying to earn points. Well. Not mainly because we were trying earn points, but because we love her, we wanted to celebrate her and make her feel special.

And then a few days later came the photo dump on social media. You know what I'm talking about, the [00:03:00] highlight reel of the birthday. There it was. Smiling pictures, loving caption, shout out, shout outs to her friends and others who made her feel so celebrated. We were not in a single photo. Not a mention, not a thanks to my parents for driving all that way, making it special, being there, even helping with the kids, nothing.

It was like we hadn't even been there and I told myself, don't get worked up about this. Don't mess up our good relations by mentioning this. Getting upset about it, but I was upset and part of the reason is it wasn't the first time it happens again and again. It's a pattern and it hurts. And the worst [00:04:00] part is when we do talk, everything's fine, warm, even, which.

Makes it more confusing because if we're on good terms, then why are we being left out of the public picture? It just doesn't seem to be a good reason. I know this may sound small in the grand scheme of things, a social media snob really, but it's not just about. The post it's about, I guess it's about the story, the story that is being told to the world, the one we're not a part of.

It's the emotional whiplash of showing up in real life and being ghosted online of loving, generously, faithfully, but being invisible. [00:05:00] When I sit with that ache, I wonder, am I being punished for something? Is she embarrassed of me? Is she protecting someone else's narrative? Well, in my heart and of hearts, I do suspect that maybe there's someone or other people in her life she doesn't want

Them to know that we're closer again, maybe she gets more support from portraying herself as isolated or misunderstood, and if I suddenly become visible, that might complicate things. That theory doesn't make me feel better, but it would explain some things if true and who knows if it is or if I'm totally on the wrong track.

It would be a small part of a bigger [00:06:00] picture because I think, you know, if you've listened to this podcast, there were several years where we were almost completely estranged, and you know, more and more families are affected by this or parts of it, but it is still often treated like a secret.

In a recent episode of Hacks, this show that we love, that's on HBO. Deborah, the main character. Her daughter has just had a baby and she does something that the daughter doesn't like, and the daughter threatens her mom with lc or nc, and that's low contact. Or no contact if she doesn't stay within certain boundaries.

If she does, then RC will be her reward. [00:07:00] Regular contact. These, those boundaries may or may not be appropriate based on the situation,

But using shorthand for those terms indicates to me how common they're becoming. We don't often hear about estrangement, however, because no one wants to talk about it. It's too painful. It's layered with guilt and shame and grief. But I'm afraid these days it is everywhere.

Some of us have children who have cut us off entirely, no contact NC sometimes with no explanation at all, and they're just gone. Others like me have kids who will still take the call, still send the Christmas text, maybe even call, still smile when we're together.

But there's this wall. It's like a [00:08:00] withholding, a subtle exclusion that cuts so deeply. What we're grieving isn't always the loss of the relationship. It's the loss of the closeness, the warmth, the shared history, the sense of being needed and the easy trust We used to have. We are grieving the access we once had, not just to them, but to the grandchildren too.

We want the milestones, the inside jokes, the simple joys of family. And most people won't tell you this, but I will. This kind of pain can be worse than a clean break because you're still showing up, still loving, still supporting. Still hoping and yet you continue [00:09:00] to be on the outside looking in. So what do we do?

Well, one thing that has helped me tremendously through this and many other troubled times in my life is journaling. And in this case, I used what turned out to be a powerful exercise empathy. My son. It's been so awful to me and has said horrible things about me to others in the family. He has perfected the art of making me feel he doesn't care about me.

For example, when I had a heart attack seven years ago, I never heard from him. He's made it clear that he disapproves and disrespects me choices I've made and. Basically he only puts up with me. It's a very bad feeling to experience all of that from someone I've loved so deeply [00:10:00] and still do. I kind of recoil from him because I fear the pain he's often caused me because it seems like it is ongoing, particularly the disinterest and uncaring.

It's. Hard for me to fully forgive. Whenever I see him, I, I brace myself for him to say something upsetting. However, I do still love him so much. He still somewhat, somehow, he still, somehow, somewhere inside. My little boy who I adored and adore, and that's why don't write him off as a moon person. And a moon person is someone who I.

Makes you feel so terrible that you have to distance and put them on the moon in your mind. Hey, I know I've let him down at [00:11:00] crucial moments in his life and the resentment he feels toward me for that. Plus his tendency to have a cop mentality seeing everything is either black or white.

It's a trait that he's had since he was a very little boy. He judges me and choices I've made very harshly.

In addition, that distancing that boys in particular tend to do to try to not need or appear not to need their mothers.

I sat down and I wrote asking myself what my son might have felt at different times in his life where I had disappointed him.[00:12:00]

All of the perceived hurts and resentments, fair or unfair from childhood to now. I just let it flow even when it made me angry or sad or defensive is basically what I wrote . All of these are the reasons that I speculate that he is and has been so unloving to me. He'll get together with me for coffee sometimes and if I'm careful, we have a pleasant conversation.

He is in daily contact with his brother, my eldest son. Who happens to be the best person I know and that encourages me because it can only help him be more positive and forgiving. So that's hopeful. I have to let go of the [00:13:00] resentment I feel towards him for the way he's treated me since he was really 11 or 12.

I don't think it's due to me. He has some problems. His cynicism stands in the way of any real inclination to forgive or understand his self-esteem, issues, issues we all have. Cause him to judge and put down, not just me, but everyone, almost feel like his mean attitude and remarks are a childish effort to punish.

Get even and feel superior. He's also a rebellious person at heart that would be inherited from me. Now, dissecting all of this down as I just have is been helpful understanding. And this is me still [00:14:00] writing in my journal, paves the way for forgiveness. For sure. I may react when these incidents with him happened.

That hurt me. But if I can refer back to this after I calm down, I do think I can forgive. I really do, and I'm grateful to God for that.

I can't fix it. The bad behavior is not absolved, but I feel lighter because something in me softens. As I wrote this, I didn't feel as angry or as helpless. I felt compassion, not just toward him, but toward me. I could see how complicated both of our stories are, how pain doesn't always make sense, and how sometimes the only thing we can [00:15:00] control is how we choose to love.

I may need to repeat this exercise again and again because healing, it's not a one time event, it's a practice, but. The day I wrote this, it gave me enough grace to move on and feel peace inside and enough clarity to stop feeling that I had to prove my worth, and just simply love this man as he is. So if you're listening and nodding or crying, I want you to know you're not alone.

You are not a bad parent. You're not imagining things, and you're not weak for feeling the sting of being left out. You raised a child, you gave your life to them. You're allowed to feel hurt.

But I want you to hear [00:16:00] this. Don't let that hurt. Become your identity. Here's what I'm learning and what I'm still trying to live. Stop chasing their approval. You don't need to earn your way back in. Love isn't a reward for good behavior. Don't perform love or anything to be noticed. Just give the love, then let it go.

Let your presence. Be your peace. You don't need to have the last word, just the right heart. We're in this time of loving without strings of supporting, with no spotlight, of being the roots, even if we're never tagged in the photos of the leaves, with a quiet force holding it all together. Even when it feels like [00:17:00] we've been edited out.

So where does that leave us? Well, for me, it leaves me choosing love, not out of denial, not out of martyrdom, but because I want to be a person who keeps her heart open, even when it's hard. It leaves me grateful, so grateful for what I do. Have a life. I love a husband. I adore a dog that brightens my every day a purpose in this part of my life, and the ability to still give even when the love is not returned the way I wish it would be.

It leaves me committed to building a life that's not waiting around for an invitation, but actively making joy in my life every day. If this resonates with you, I hope you'll try [00:18:00] the journaling exercise I did. I've created a worksheet that you can download that will take you through some prompts so you can go through the steps I did in my journal that day.

I'm gonna do this exercise for my other kids and perhaps even other relationships. It really clears the air inside your heart and your mind. Other ideas for getting to that place? Maybe call a friend and talk about something you've been afraid to say out loud or maybe. Just go and sit on your patio with a cup of coffee and say to yourself, I'm okay even if this hurts.

Well. That's all for today's episode. Thank you for being here with me, for listening to my story and maybe seeing a bit of your own in it. If this touched [00:19:00] something in you, please consider sharing this episode with a friend who might be going through something similar. And hey, if you've been left out of the photo dump, just know I see you.

You matter. Your love counts even if it's never recognized. Until next time, I'm Grace Taylor Siegel, and this is 60 something. Keep showing up. Keep loving. Well, don't let the silence fool you. You are not alone next time. I think I'm, when I have my husband on the show, he's so much funnier than I am, so make sure to come back and I'll have Aaron Segal on the show just for you.

Alright, take [00:20:00] care.