Sixtysomething Podcast Episode 12 - Our Adult Children - Part 1

Sixtysomething Podcast - Episode 12 - Adult Children

[00:00:00] GTS: I'm back. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated, as Mark Twain once wrote, well, he wrote something like that. Welcome, at last, to another episode of Sixty Something. I'm Grace, and I'm so glad you're here. Well, it's been a week, more than a week. All I can say is, I've just now turned the corner on my cold.

[00:00:31] GTS: that I had in the last episode. And not only was I sick, but my beautiful girl Dorothy has also been very sick. An ear infection turned into a skin infection and she ended up with 103 degree fever. This poor, poor dog. A day at the vets, constant nursing by me, and 1000 later, our baby is also now on the mend.[00:01:00]

[00:01:00] GTS: What a week! But we're surviving and getting back on track. Additionally, slowing me down as I attempted to start crafting this darned adult children episode, I quickly realized that it has to be two, two episodes. One about adult children and our relationships with them. And one about estrangement, our estrangement from them, right?

[00:01:29] GTS: Estrangement is a particularly mammoth subject. And a sensitive one for me, and I want to try to do it justice. So welcome to the adult child episode, part one, episode 12, which will immediately be followed by part two, estrangement from adult children, which it will be episode 13. My favorite quote about [00:02:00] families.

[00:02:01] GTS: Of course, it's from a movie. It goes like this. You know, when I was 19, Grandpa took me on a rollercoaster. Up, down, up, down, oh, what a ride! I always want to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me feel so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together.

[00:02:28] GTS: Some didn't like it. They went on the merry go round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the rollercoaster. We get more out of it, Grandma, in Parenthood, the movie. Yeah, real life Parenthood. Ain't a merry go round, is it? It's a rollercoaster. And as challenging as it has been, I'm always going to choose the rollercoaster.

[00:02:57] GTS: This subject that affects many of [00:03:00] us so deeply, our relationships with our adult children, is the rollercoaster. An important one. As we navigate our 60s, these relationships can bring a mixture of joy and sadness and everything in between. Today, we're not focusing on the good or the bad specifically, but rather on the relevant and more normal ups and downs of these relationships that so many of us experience.

[00:03:33] GTS: In the next episode, we'll go a bit deeper into the greater challenge of estrangement and strategies to improve that situation and or cope with them. So here we go. Grab your coffee, settle in, and let's get into the ever evolving journey of parenting adult children. So after the kids grow up, [00:04:00] my expectations.

[00:04:03] GTS: Well, I could only go by, um My own family. My mom was really close with her sister and her parents, and we spent most holidays with them, even if we had to travel a far way. I remember one Christmas in particular where we were going to drive to wherever they were, and it was like an eight hour drive. And, It snowed, it was snowing really bad, and so my mom got on the phone to tell her sister and her parents that we weren't coming.

[00:04:36] GTS: And my aunt, my mom's sister, started sobbing. And so then my mom started sobbing. Of course, all of us three kids started crying. And my dad was like, Oh, okay, fine, we're gonna go. and somehow he Got us to my aunt's house so we [00:05:00] could all spend Christmas together. And that was really wonderful. And it went on that way for a while until all of us kids got older and it wasn't as easy to get together anymore.

[00:05:10] GTS: And we had our own family traditions. My dad and his family, he was an only child. They didn't really have family traditions. They would come over to our house on the holidays. He just wasn't close with them. Now, our own family, me and my parents and my brothers, we were really tight. And, uh, we had a lot of special things that we did on the holidays.

[00:05:39] GTS: Our traditions. I was very close to both of my brothers. They were one and two years younger than me. And We loved spending the holidays together, and even when I went to college and then got married and my brothers went to college, we'd always gather together on the holidays. And my brothers would even travel to visit me.

[00:05:59] GTS: My parents [00:06:00] always either visited us or sent plane tickets. You know, six months never went by without me seeing my parents. We were just very close. I remained close to my parents, spending every holiday and birthday with them. My brothers, once they got married, we didn't see them as much, but it was unthinkable to have it any other way for me than to be with my parents on the holidays.

[00:06:29] GTS: It was beautiful. So, me and my kids, well, for the first five years or so, after the boys, I have five kids and the older four are boys. When they left home, they either lived in town or came back from wherever they moved to for holidays, they didn't live far away, and they visited regularly for the most part.

[00:06:53] GTS: The exception was number two son Brad, who got married right out of high school [00:07:00] to a pretty insecure girl who didn't want him spending much time with any of us in the family. She was just really jealous. But we would at least see them on holidays, and then once they split up, Brad and I became close again and saw each other frequently.

[00:07:19] GTS: Juliet was still in middle school and high school during these years. She and I were as close as a mother and daughter could be from the moment she was born, really, until she was 23 years old. My mom's home was the family gathering hub with My house and number one son, Tracy, and his wife, Leanne, their home being the two backups.

[00:07:43] GTS: As the grandkids came along, we were getting together for dinner once a week as a family and spending most holidays together. When my mom died, all but one of my kids moved. They rarely visit. Then [00:08:00] Juliette got married right around that same time, and her husband did not like me. He was also very possessive, and eventually We became estranged for several years.

[00:08:13] GTS: I'll discuss more about the estrangements in my family in part two of this adult children's series. But at present, here's where things stand in my family. Number one son is 44, and he and his family live in Oregon. I visit two to three times a year. They have visited once in five years. We talk on the phone every month or so, and on birthdays and holidays, we text infrequently.

[00:08:41] GTS: My son and his family are very busy. They are loving and absolutely fabulous people. I miss them, and I would say we're close despite the infrequent contact. Number two son, Brad, who I mentioned, [00:09:00] he's 43, he lives in New Orleans. He's single, uh, with two beautiful cats. He and I do a video chat about three times a week.

[00:09:10] GTS: I see him at least once a year. We are very close. Number three's son is 41. He lives in Texas. He moved there to be with his now wife who owns a home there and lives near her family. They have two kids. I speak to him on the big holidays like Christmas and our birthdays and probably text once, twice a month.

[00:09:33] GTS: We're okay. Not exactly close, but not estranged. Number four son, who's 38, lives about five minutes away from me. He has four wonderful kids, who I see on their birthdays. I take each of them to Starbucks on their birthdays and give them their gift. I occasionally have coffee with him, too. Every month or two, we text.

[00:09:59] GTS: [00:10:00] Once or twice a month. He's cordial. He's just not really been a fan of mine ever since he was 12 years old. He just doesn't like me. I've learned to live with it. My daughter, who is 31, is divorced with three small children. Her husband, the one who didn't like me, and we became estranged to varying degrees during their marriage.

[00:10:28] GTS: I didn't see her or their children often, though they live a few hours away. Since the breakup, she and I have, oh, so gradually and gingerly become closer, and I've been able to start creating relationships with her adorable daughter and sons. She calls about once a week, and we text a few times a week, and I see them about every other month.

[00:10:52] GTS: I'll talk about her more and what happened in part two of the series. Bye for now. You'll meet her on the [00:11:00] first bonus episode of this show when I interview her on this very subject. Now, I said before that the current state of my family situation has been disappointing to me. And I'm not going to back off of that.

[00:11:14] GTS: It's true. I thought my family life would be like the one I grew up with, or like my favorite oh so touching TV shows and movies, like Parenthood and Gilmore Girls, or The Simpsons is about family. Even Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad were about families. Then there's my all time favorite, This Is Us. Not to mention films like The Family Stone, Parenthood, The Royal Tenenbaums, One True Thing, It's a Wonderful Life.

[00:11:45] GTS: These are just some of my personal favorites, but the list of stories about families goes on forever. I thought my family would have conflicts sometimes, ups and downs, like the people in the movies, but that didn't happen. We'd remain committed to each other, just [00:12:00] celebrating and sharing life together, just like in the movies, just like I had with my parents.

[00:12:06] GTS: That was not to be. Much like my brothers, as my kids married and had kids of their own, everything changed. You know, like, it's like the fantasy versus the reality. The reality of childhood conflicts, lingering resentments, spouses and their family taking precedence. The family matriarch's death, my mom, adult judgments, unhealthy relationships with the jealousy, toxicity, more about these extremes in episode 13, part 2 of this series about estrangement.

[00:12:43] GTS: But I'm sure you're aware that just because I hoped for better, I suppose, this impossible dream I held. And I'm sad that it turned out so differently and disappointingly. Just because of that, it doesn't [00:13:00] mean I don't love and appreciate my kids because I do more every day. My mom used to say to me, I think I couldn't love you more, but every day I do.

[00:13:18] GTS: Funny how that works, isn't it? Alright, so here are some current trends in family dynamics that affect these relationships. As in relevant statistics and studies providing insight, and some are rather surprising. Young adults are living with their parents. In 2023, nearly 58 percent of 18 to 20 year old, now that's mainly Gen Z, men in the United States lived with a parent.

[00:13:50] GTS: Women living with a parent was about 54%. And that was in December of 2023. [00:14:00] Generational values contributing to estrangement are Gen X, Which is birth from 1965 to 1980, and Millennials, which is 1981 to 1996. Both of these generations experienced rapid cultural and social changes that significantly differed from their parents experiences, creating potential for generational conflicts.

[00:14:31] GTS: A strong sense of independence and individualism also might have led to prioritizing personal well being. Over maintaining possibly strained family relationships, the influence of technology, the rise of digital communication has reshaped social dynamics, sometimes creating emotional distance despite physical proximity.

[00:14:57] GTS: Uh, sounds familiar, huh? [00:15:00] And yet, and yet, the most recent information that I found is that the majority of parents are in fact in their grown children's lives. According to two new studies of young adults 18 to 34, some Gen X, more Gen Z, and their parents, which reveals that they text several times a week and offer advice and financial, and financial support.

[00:15:30] GTS: In many ways, their relationships seem healthy and fulfilling. And my only thought on this is that texting requires so much less than a phone call or a visit. Our current technology makes it easier to keep in touch with little energy or emotional investment, which I think it's good because something is better than nothing.

[00:15:53] GTS: Also, more than half of Americans live within an hour of extended [00:16:00] family. 55 percent of U. S. adults say they live within an hour's drive of at least some of their extended family members. This all makes me wonder if the dynamics are evolving. Gen Z and Gen Alpha, which is births from 2013 to present, it's too recent to fully assess their estrangement patterns.

[00:16:29] GTS: Perhaps these family dynamics are cyclical, and adult children will return somewhat to the characteristics of the silent generation, aka greatest generation, and the baby boomers whose emphasis was more on family loyalty and cohesion. I hope so. Now, the why. Common dynamic 60 somethings often experience with their adult children that can cause problems.[00:17:00]

[00:17:00] GTS: A shift in roles, a tricky transition, sometimes from being a mom, dad, caregiver to your child to more of a mentor. or a friend, but sometimes your kids don't even want that. Sometimes there's difficulty adjusting to the fact that our adult children are now independent, making their own decisions and sometimes caring for their own families.

[00:17:26] GTS: We may struggle with our sense of purpose and identity as parents, since our children no longer rely on us as they once did. The frequency and quality of communication can be disappointing. Balancing the desire for regular communication with respecting the busy lives of adult children. An example from my own life.

[00:17:49] GTS: My eldest son, Tracy, called me every day from age 18 to 26. Before that, we were living together. And then, [00:18:00] he hardly ever called me. We'd work together and collaborated and chatted about everything under the sun. His job changed and he became a father. And immediately, I noticed a change. I almost said something.

[00:18:16] GTS: Eventually The more I thought about it, I decided I'd rather have a son who is focused on his family and his career than my little boy holding on to my apron strings, feeling the need or the obligation to call mommy every day. I miss talking to him often, and I do to this day. He is just about the most delightful person I've ever known.

[00:18:44] GTS: Also, challenging finding ways to have meaningful conversations beyond surface level topics, but I feel like this was always challenging. Boundaries, independence, and values, [00:19:00] a lack of understanding and respect for the boundaries set by adult children. We struggle with that sometimes, you know, like, uh, dropping by unannounced.

[00:19:10] GTS: That used to be no big deal when I was a kid, but you can't do that anymore. Or calling them during the workday. Not encouraging and supporting adult children's independence while being available for guidance when sought. That's a fine line there. Disrespecting or ignoring parents rules and parenting styles with regard to the grandkids.

[00:19:34] GTS: Not understanding your child's definition of the grandparent versus parent role. So there's a continual overstepping of boundaries. That leads to resentment and hurt feelings. As we age, the caregiving roles can be reversed. Our adult children sometimes need to take on caregiving responsibilities for us and the emotional and practical impact.

[00:19:59] GTS: Of being [00:20:00] more dependent on them for our support and care, that's a tough one. And the guilt and overwhelm they may feel with the impact of looming responsibilities for us aging parents and the potential for increased dependence of us on them as we age, as well as the possibly inability for them, for whatever reasons, to fall short of expectations.

[00:20:35] GTS: There are stressful life transitions, you know, dealing with changes such as retirement, relocation, or health issues, differing interests. You know, sometimes we don't have any common interests and we won't make the time on either side for meaningful interactions or creating new memories together. We can also have insufficient commitment to [00:21:00] conflict resolution.

[00:21:01] GTS: if we're not willing to make the effort. Or, or kids aren't willing to make the effort. To learn to navigate and resolve conflicts in a mature and respectful manner, there's gonna be trouble. An inability to forgive or understand, to regain a healthy relationship. Make that pretty much impossible.

[00:21:26] GTS: Sometimes our kids are resistant to our desire to share life lessons, values, and family traditions. That's very hurtful. And then, of course, there's ageism. Mmm, that old chestnut. I refer you to episode six of this podcast. We need to blaze a path forward through these obstacles. To rebuild or build and nurture our relationships with our adult children and communication.

[00:21:58] GTS: As in all [00:22:00] relationships, is number one, numero uno. It is essential to build and maintain open lines of communication. And you must keep an open mind and an open heart. Don't be overly sensitive, like me. I've had to fight that. Practice what my dad called flexibility. Don't get too hung up on manners or form.

[00:22:27] GTS: If they're friendly and nice, or even close, take it. You, be open and respectful, practice active listening, make an effort to truly listen to your adult children's thoughts and feelings without immediately offering advice or judgment. This shows respect and helps them feel valued. Drilling down on this, here are some strategies to help you become a more effective active listener, which I didn't even know for sure what that [00:23:00] meant, and I'm going to go through these because they are so good.

[00:23:04] GTS: To be an effective, active listener, be fully present, eliminate the distractions, turn off your phone, the TV, any other distractions that might interrupt your conversation. Maintain eye contact, show that you are engaged by making eye contact, even if it's awkward, which helps convey your interest and attentiveness.

[00:23:25] GTS: Show empathy, validate their feelings, acknowledge their emotions and experiences without judgment. Phrases like That sounds really tough, or I could see why you might feel that way. Be very supportive. Be non judgmental. Listen without criticizing or interrupting. Allow them to express themselves freely.

[00:23:52] GTS: Use your voice. Reflective listening. Paraphrase their words. Repeat back what they've said in your own words to show [00:24:00] you're listening and understanding. For example, So, what I heard you say is that you're feeling overwhelmed with work. Ask clarifying questions. If you're unsure about something, ask for clarifications.

[00:24:13] GTS: Questions like, can you tell me more about that? What do you mean by, Help deepen the conversation and your understanding. Show interest through body language, nod and smile, and use nonverbal cues to show you're paying attention, like leaning forward. A slight lean forward can indicate that you're interested and engaged in the conversation.

[00:24:36] GTS: Avoid interrupting. Let them speak. Allow them to finish their thoughts before you respond. Interrupting can make them feel unheard or undervalued. And pause before responding. Take a moment to think about what they've said before you reply. That shows you're considering their words carefully. [00:25:00] And respond appropriately.

[00:25:03] GTS: Offer support, not solutions. Sometimes they just need someone to listen rather than solve their problems. Ask them if they want advice or just a listening ear. Be honest and be gentle. If you do You don't have to give advice or feedback if they invite you to do that. Be honest. Be gentle. Frame your suggestions in a way that is supportive rather than critical.

[00:25:34] GTS: Follow up. Check in. Show that you remember and care about what they've shared by following up later. Like I said before, you don't need to try to delve back in. Just ask, Hey, how are things going? Or is there anything I can do to help? Light, and let them confide in you if they want to. [00:26:00] Practice patience.

[00:26:01] GTS: Give them time. Allow them to take their time to articulate their thoughts and feelings without rushing them. And be patient with silence. Sometimes, silence is necessary for them to gather their thoughts. Resist the urge to fill in every gap in the conversation. Let them know that they can talk to you about anything.

[00:26:26] GTS: And you are there to support them unconditionally. Respect their communication boundaries. Understand that there may be things that they're not ready to share. Respect their privacy. Let them open up at their own pace and don't repeat. Make time for regular conversations. Set aside time to have more meaningful conversations with your adult child.

[00:26:57] GTS: Show that you prioritize your [00:27:00] relationship with them. By incorporating these strategies into your interactions, you'll foster deeper connections with your adult child and create an environment of trust and mutual respect. I've provided this list as well as a list of common communication barriers and tips to overcome them as a free download.

[00:27:21] GTS: I encourage you to read them. They are really insightful, and I think they can help. They're in the show notes. Important topics to discuss with your adult kids, when and if you can. Opportunities for heart to heart talks with your adult child. Maybe rare. I get it. Perhaps you can introduce these topics one or two at a time over the course of time.

[00:27:46] GTS: I urge you to try. Keep it as light as you can, though I realize some of these are pretty heavy topics. Personally, as I age, I suspect my children will be more interested and willing to talk with me about [00:28:00] the serious stuff, but we'll see. As it is, I'm pretty fortunate in that regard of the five. There's only one or two that I think would resist, but you give it a shot.

[00:28:11] GTS: Say something like I'd really like to make our relationship the best it can be, and I realize many things about it have changed since you're an adult now. I think if we talked about our perspectives on our past, present, and future, or whichever of those you might feel comfortable discussing, it might make things clearer to us both and bring us closer.

[00:28:33] GTS: If you have trouble saying that or finding the opportunity to, text it to them. I laugh, but I'm serious, because it actually might work. Like I said, give it a shot. Now, independence versus support as a subject. Talk about the balance between respecting their independence and being there for them when they need support.

[00:28:58] GTS: What do they [00:29:00] want? I invite my kids to confide in me, but I never, ever pry or interfere. In any way, and I never criticize, I try to curtail expressing my opinion. Any opinion I have in too much detail, in general, I've found they don't like that. I love them, but like most people, it's about them, not me, and I'm okay with that.

[00:29:24] GTS: If that's the price I have to pay to have a positive relationship with them, no problem! I have friends and a husband too who can express myself. Changing roles. Explore with them how your roles have evolved as you both have grown older. Ask how they think it's best to navigate these changes and maintain a healthy relationship.

[00:29:45] GTS: I've found doing that remarkably effective with a couple of my kids. Back to boundaries. Discuss setting and respecting boundaries on both sides, mostly theirs. Ask how to be involved with your [00:30:00] grandchildren without overstepping. What is okay? What is not okay? Be specific. How many treats? What kind? Make a list in advance and ask every question.

[00:30:10] GTS: Respect the parents rules and parenting styles without fail. As for me, I never worried a moment about my mom's decisions about my kids. I trusted her implicitly. She was like an extension of me. Our younger generations, I found, are more cautious. Partially because they're so well informed. Don't be too tied to what grandma should do, like I was.

[00:30:37] GTS: Like grandmas give candy. It doesn't matter. You'll find ways to be memorable and special and spoil your grandkids inside of their parents boundaries. Find pathways to involvement in your grandkids lives. That can create closer bonds with your kids. It's happened to me many times over the years when I [00:31:00] see my kids seeing how much I care about their kids.

[00:31:06] GTS: It's meaningful to them. It opens up your relationship with your adult child in a whole new and beautiful way. I think your grown child see you once again through their little kid eyes back from when they were little and adoring of you. It's very sweet. My love for my grandkids has brought me closer to not only my own children.

[00:31:33] GTS: But in some cases, to the other parent, too. Sharing a love for someone is a very powerful thing. Sometimes there are financial considerations to talk about. If appropriate and applicable, discuss the financial dynamics that come into play, such as helping adult children financially or planning for your retirement.

[00:31:56] GTS: Make it clear what your limits and philosophies are as soon as [00:32:00] possible so there are no misunderstandings. My parents gave me the world throughout their lives. My husband Aaron's parents did not. His dad made it on his own, dropped out of school as a kid, and supported his mother and younger siblings. He expected Aaron to earn his own money.

[00:32:21] GTS: Two completely different approaches. But I don't think any of us ever talked about it. Maybe we should have. Quality time together discuss ways to keep building and nurturing. Learn more at www. plastics car. com The relationship with your adult child as you both continue to grow and change. Share activities.

[00:32:39] GTS: Engage in activities you both enjoy, such as cooking, traveling, crafting, theater, movies. Shared experiences can strengthen your bond and create lasting memories and maintain or create new family traditions, such [00:33:00] as holiday gatherings or annual trips. These provide opportunities for connection and continuity, but emphasize no pressure.

[00:33:12] GTS: Whatever, whenever. That's my attitude. Provide support without overstepping. Be a source of emotional support during challenging times. Offer encouragement and empathy and be available to listen when they need to talk. But frankly, less is more. Wait for them to confide in you. You can text and say, how are you doing, I'm thinking of you today, something kind, but no pressure to respond or provide an update.

[00:33:42] GTS: They'll tell you more if they feel like it. Encourage mutual growth. Briefly share your own experiences and growth, but enthusiastically and often encourage your adult children in their [00:34:00] personal and professional development. This can strengthen your relationship. Everybody can use a fan, right? As long as they're not a fan addict.

[00:34:09] GTS: Then, learning together can be a powerful bonding experience. Explore taking up new hobbies or courses together. That fosters a sense of teamwork and shared growth. Guys in my family play golf together, took golf lessons. That's how they spend time together as adults. My husband and his brother hike and play pickleball together.

[00:34:31] GTS: A woman I know, who was actually estranged from her daughter for years, was able to bridge the gap eventually by inviting her to travel with her to scrapbooking classes away from home. You never know what's going to unlock that door, so try everything. You must continue to grow throughout your third act and make a commitment to be more open, communicative, and [00:35:00] understanding and let go of any tendencies you have to become offended too easily.

[00:35:07] GTS: Most people, your adult children included, are just living their lives trying to do the best they can. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Try to respect and accept the differences that you have with them in opinions, lifestyles, decisions. Avoid trying to change them or impose your views. That will only lead to conflict.

[00:35:32] GTS: When disagreements arise, engage in constructive and respectful conversations, focusing on understanding each other's perspectives. Okay, we're going to have to have an episode about how to do this, because I am so bad at this. When conflict arises, I just want to go and lie down on my bed and put the covers over my head and just hope it will pass, or, or just will simply say, I'm sorry, and leave it [00:36:00] at that, which might not always be the most productive way to resolve a disagreement.

[00:36:06] GTS: Be there for the milestones. The best boss I ever had once told me. You show up for people. If someone invites you to their home, that's an honor. You show up. That's how you show people you care. Ugh, I really took that to heart. Since then, I have tried to show up as much as possible for the people I care about.

[00:36:27] GTS: Celebrate the achievements and important milestones, such as promotions, graduations, personal accomplishments, and support them during the tough times. I can bear witness to how much it appears to mean to my kids when I go out of my way to attend celebrations for them and their kids. I'm seldom asked to support during troubled times, but I have made it clear that if ever asked, I will be there if at all possible.

[00:36:59] GTS: Building your [00:37:00] relationships with your grandchildren is, is very powerful. I've mentioned that already. Be actively involved in their lives. Respect those rules. Do whatever you can to create special memories with your grandchildren. It fosters like a multi generational bond that also strengthens your relationship with your adult child.

[00:37:23] GTS: Make a special effort to do this. Take great interest in your grandkids lives and their hobbies and their talents. Express love and appreciation regularly. Tell your kids, I love you. I'm proud of you. Those little things can have a significant impact. Show and verbalize gratitude for your child's presence in your life and the positive aspects of the relationship.

[00:37:55] GTS: The most important thing to remember, in my opinion, if you want to [00:38:00] succeed at building a solid relationship with your child, this is in my experience, let it be about them now. It is no longer about you. The world revolves around them, and you will likely rarely be a factor. You will often feel like an afterthought, like an asterisk, but it's okay, because you have done the work to know that you are not.

[00:38:26] GTS: You are the leading player in your own life. You don't need to be the star of theirs anymore. It's taken me all of this time, well over 20 years, to come to this realization. I'm the leading lady in my life. Need to be that in theirs. After going through the fire, in my mind, many people have dealt with much worse than I have, I'm well aware.

[00:38:58] GTS: But all I know [00:39:00] is, I have suffered. And I've had my heart broken by those closest to me, my own tribe. Having that tribe changed my life. It made me. I didn't know who I was for a long time, but it became crystal clear as I claimed my identity as Tracy and Brad and Wally and Andy and Juliet's mom. I tell you what, there were some great years there.

[00:39:39] GTS: Me and Aaron and our family. What do they call it? The salad days. The peak of my life. Well, until now. I have big plans for this third act, as you well know. But I have realized that this great loss I've had is [00:40:00] simply a byproduct of my kids completely natural and understandable, irresistible desire to become their own people and build tribes of their own.

[00:40:13] GTS: God, that has been hard for me to accept. Truly. I am only just really adjusting to and embracing this realization that I don't have to see their lack of interest as a rejection, even though it sure feels like one sometimes. They are in the thrall of their own lives, their own loves, and families, and careers.

[00:40:45] GTS: I wouldn't have it any other way. One important caveat I must add, all of the perspectives and advice I've offered from experts and based on my own experiences cannot help [00:41:00] you if you are up against an unmovable force, such as an inability to forgive, judgment, lack of empathy, prejudice, paranoia, pathological jealousy, fanatical beliefs and notions.

[00:41:15] GTS: I could go on, but I think you get the picture. And that's why this is a two part episode, because there are challenges, and then there are seemingly insurmountable problems that lead to estrangement between parents and children, and with that, grandchildren. These traits can appear on both sides of the relationship and often come up unexpectedly, and so are even harder to cope with.

[00:41:44] GTS: Hard to believe after all of this. But there's still much more to talk about. The worst is yet to come, I'm afraid. It requires courage to do these things we're doing, to face [00:42:00] daunting challenges such as change, growth, forgiveness, admitting mistakes, and rejection. Our poor hearts hang in the balance. Allow me to read this so important quote as a tribute to you and all of us parents who are in the arena.

[00:42:21] GTS: Navigating the turbulent waters of finding the way to love and be loved and accepted by our adult children. It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred.

[00:42:53] GTS: By dust and sweat and blood who strives valiantly, who errs, who [00:43:00] comes up short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming. But who does truly strive to do the deeds? Who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions? Who spends himself in a worthy cause? Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement?

[00:43:23] GTS: And who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. Theodore Roosevelt. Dare greatly, my friends. There is nothing more important than love in this world, love for others, and love for yourself.

[00:43:51] GTS: So, we'll remain in the arena fighting the good fight, yes? I'd love to hear your stories and thoughts on your relationships with [00:44:00] your adult kids. Do you have any advice? Are you struggling a bit? I'm here for you. Check the show notes for all of the info on how to reach me. Next time on 60 something, we will continue this conversation about adult children, but delve into the subject of estrangement between us and our adult kids.

[00:44:22] GTS: What is it? What causes it? What can we try to do about it, as well as how can we cope as we journey through all of that. And when I say next time, I mean tomorrow, I owe you one and I really want to catch up because I have to get back on schedule. I'm really eager to have you here next week's episode, a talk with my darling, and yes, once estranged daughter, Juliet.

[00:44:53] GTS: My first guest. We are going to talk about the tough stuff and about the happy ending [00:45:00] we are now working on together. You are gonna love her. I sure do. See you soon, my 60 somethings.