60s_S2_Ep9_Navigating Grief

[00:00:00] GTS: Welcome back to 60 Something, the podcast where we talk about the unique experiences, challenges, and joys of being in our sixties today. I'm your host, Grace Taylor Segal, and I'm so glad you're here. Today's episode has a rather profound subject. We're going to talk about something that touches all of us throughout our lives in one way or another, but especially in our 60-something years. As we age, we often face a variety of losses—whether it's saying goodbye to our parents, watching friends die or drift away, losing beloved pets, or feeling estranged from our own children and grandchildren. These experiences can be extremely difficult to navigate. [00:01:00] Yes, we’re talking about grief. What about grief for ourselves? For the person we once were, but can no longer be for one reason or another. Life is loss.

[00:01:16] GTS: Isn't it? You can't get away from that fact. And with loss comes grief. But remember this: Grief never ends, but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.

[00:01:43] GTS: Today, I want to share some stories that I hope will resonate with you and, more importantly, provide a little insight on how to manage these challenges. Let's start by talking about a loss many of us have or will have to face—the loss of our [00:02:00] parents and older family members. A friend of mine, Nancy, recently shared with me that she lost her mother.

[00:02:20] GTS: Her mom was 88 but had been battling Alzheimer's for years. It had been a big responsibility caring for her, so Nancy thought she was prepared for that inevitable final goodbye, and that it would be somewhat of a relief for both of them.

[00:02:45] GTS: But when the time came, the grief of her mom being gone hit her like a freight train. It wasn’t just the loss of her mother that hit her so hard; it was [00:03:00] also the loss of the person her mother had been before the disease. Nancy found herself mourning not just one loss, but many. What helped her navigate her grief was writing. She started writing letters to her mom—to the mom before Alzheimer's. Letters [00:03:25] she knew her mom would never read. But that wasn't the point. The act of writing was cathartic. She would share her day, recount old memories, even express the anger and frustration that had built up over the years. Nancy found that putting her feelings into words gave her a way to process the grief. You know, I write letters like that to my mom and dad on occasion when I'm really missing them, or when there's something I'm dying to tell [00:04:00] them. Usually, I write it in my journal. Here are a few paragraphs from one of them.

[00:04:05] GTS: Just to give you an idea of what this kind of letter might say. Dear Mom, you are never going to believe this, but I finally started that podcast I told you about for people in their sixties. You asked me that time, “What are you waiting for?” And just as you did my whole life, you encouraged me and helped me believe I could do it. It took me a while, but [00:04:37] I finally did. It wasn’t quite as exciting as it would have been if we could've listened to it together, but I know you're always with me, so maybe you have heard it. I hope so. I talk about you and Dad on the show all the time. Thank you for teaching me about the things that really matter [00:05:00] and for making me feel so loved my entire life.

[00:05:06] GTS: I miss you every day, but I have so many wonderful memories. What I remember most are all the laughs, how we got so tickled with each other. We had that same sense of humor, and we'd be in the car and just laugh and laugh. Remember that time you, Dad, and I watched the movie The End with Burt Reynolds together in the living room in Rockford? We laughed our fannies off. God, that was fun. Thank you, Mom, for everything. I love you.

[00:05:45] GTS: I feel closer and more in touch with Mom and Dad when I write to them or talk to them—I do that too. So, I want to tell you about my dad's death. He died at 68 years old [00:06:00] from an accident in a medical setting after a minor surgery. It was a complete shock, especially because during his recovery from a serious and life-threatening illness the year before, he completely changed his lifestyle.

[00:06:15] GTS: He gave up smoking and drinking after a lifetime of dedicated practice of those habits. He became lighter, I mean, in terms of his mood and personality. He was happy again. He'd had some pretty dark years struggling with a number of issues. It was wonderful to see him heal in ways beyond the physical. And then this minor error ended his life and all of my parents' plans for a revitalized new life together were over. He went in for the surgery the day [00:07:00] after their 47th wedding anniversary. They were always totally dedicated to each other, their marriage, and our family. They weren't perfect, but the values they taught me and my brothers and exemplified in their lives have seen me through many hard times and keep me going to this very day. So anyway, my dad dies, and I'm just floored. And I am mad.

[00:07:32] GTS: I am raging. Obsessed. I embark on a quest for vengeance that takes over my life—researching all aspects of everything that happened, making phone calls, desperately looking for ways to expose, humiliate, and punish everyone involved. For almost exactly two years, I was heartbroken and tortured [00:08:00] and totally unsuccessful in my efforts. Finally, in August of 2006, Aaron

[00:08:12] GTS: and I took the kids on vacation to the beach in San Diego. I was standing there on the shoreline, taking a break from my plotting, looking into the distance at the horizon. You know, there’s this breathtaking place where the sky meets the ocean, and it’s all pink and purple and blue, like a painting. And as I stared at it, I thought,

[00:08:46] GTS: “Oh, that’s where Dad is. That’s heaven, and that’s where Dad is.” And in the next moment, I thought, [00:09:00] he would never want you to ruin your life, to sacrifice your happiness on some mission to avenge his death. He would never, ever want that. And snap, it was over. I was okay. I dropped my pursuit of justice, so to speak, and went on with my life. During that long period of mourning, which is how I see that time now, I thought I would never be happy again. But I have been. And happier than ever before. I think that was Dad’s parting gift to me—the ability to fully appreciate the happiness and goodness in my life. I feel absolutely certain that he and I will be together again.

[00:09:52] GTS: And I can't wait. A few years after this, I had a dream [00:10:00] that was so amazing, I recorded it for you because I want to share it.

[00:10:06] GTS: It's summer, 2017. I'm standing in the living room of a palazzo—a huge mansion. There is a large open space at the far end, leading outside, just like a resort in Hawaii. There are many people there. Celebrities. Maybe a movie is being shot? I see Leo DiCaprio and Meryl Streep. Oh my gosh, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

[00:10:52] GTS: This is my event, and oh, it's time to go. Everyone moves toward the exit, the opening. I [00:11:00] walk out, and I'm at the edge of a small concrete ledge. The jump is just a few feet, and I jump down in my heels. I float, and my skirt floats around me. I land on my feet and start walking. And then I see him at the edge of a group of people.

[00:11:26] GTS: It's Dad. I run over, and I hug him, saying, “I wasn’t expecting you.” We put our arms around each other and start to walk. There are airplanes in the distance. Then Mom's there, to my left. And we all walk together, with the others, toward the airplanes.

[00:11:53] GTS: Quite something, that dream.

[00:11:58] GTS: Back to my pal, Nancy. [00:12:00] Another thing that gave her peace was creating a memorial garden in her backyard. Her mother had always loved flowers, so Nancy decided to plant her favorites: roses, tulips, and marigolds. Sounds so pretty. I’ve got to go see that someday. Tending to this garden became a ritual, a way for her to feel connected to her mom, even after she was gone. I really want to do this.

[00:12:32] GTS: Yes, me and my brown thumb, but I'm trying to figure out exactly how. Let me know if you have any tips for me because, remember, I live in the desert. Nancy also found help in grief counseling. At first, she resisted the idea. She thought she should be strong enough to handle it on her own, but she was having trouble getting up in the morning,

[00:12:59] GTS: [00:13:00] because she was just so sad. So, she decided to give it a try. After a few sessions, she realized that talking to someone who understood the complexities of grief helped her unpack her emotions and find a way forward. And that's where she got the ideas for the letters and the garden, both of which have given her great comfort. If you're struggling with the loss of a parent, family member, or friend, consider these remedies.

[00:13:34] GTS: Don’t be afraid to try something new to cope with your grief. Okay, what about loss of friendships? I think most of us have been there. Just last week, I heard this guy on a talk show. He was saying he’d lost a lot of friends since he and his wife retired. People they used to hang out with all the time

[00:13:57] GTS: just started drifting away— [00:14:00] some moved to be near their kids and grandkids, others had health issues that kept them closer to home, and some simply seemed to pull away. Has this ever happened to you? Even in midlife, we may change jobs, move, or lose touch with certain friends; get divorced, and your former spouse gets custody of the friends. Tough situations,

[00:14:27] GTS: and so many of us face them. The guy on the show, though, did not just accept this. He took action. He decided he needed to take the initiative and started scheduling monthly check-ins with his old friends. Sometimes it was a phone call, other times a video chat, or even just a text message. By doing this, he was able to maintain and even reclaim some of his connections.

[00:14:58] GTS: I just loved that. [00:15:00] He didn’t take losing his friends lying down, and he didn’t let ego or insecurities get in the way of going after a different outcome. This guy—I forget his name—realized that it was high time to make some new friends, too. He joined a book club and met new people who shared his interest in reading. Wow.

[00:15:30] GTS: So if you're feeling your friendships are kind of evaporating, drifting away, try following his lead. Take the initiative to reconnect, reinvent your old traditions, and try joining a new social group. One wonderful thing that has happened for me since I turned 60 is that I reconnected with old friends through Facebook, and I mean friends from [00:16:00] 40-plus years ago. We all went to a really special middle school—MG School in Belleville, Illinois, to be exact. It was a small town, Belleville, and MG a very small school.

[00:16:15] GTS: Everybody pretty much knew each other. My mom was a sixth-grade teacher there, and many of my friends were in her class. My two brothers also went to school there, so a bunch of kids came over to our house regularly to visit me, my brothers, and my mom. She was that kind of teacher. Anyway, we moved at the end of eighth grade, and I lost touch with all of those friends until about six years ago, when one of those wonderful friends—yes,

[00:16:53] GTS: Susan Quora, I’m talking about you—found me on Facebook. And then there was this [00:17:00] avalanche of reconnecting with so many of them. There are about half a dozen that I talk with by phone or chat with regularly. These beautiful friends have made up for the loss of some of the people in my life who’ve drifted away for one reason or another. There’s more than one way to get lovely people into your life. This is why I never trash Facebook. It brought me my Stuart, my Susan, my Lauren, my Patty, my Rick, my Carol, and the others back to me. Thanks, Facebook.

[00:17:46] GTS: You’re probably tired of hearing my sad story about how I planned to be the central figure in my kids’ and grandkids' lives, like my mom was in mine and my kids’ lives. [00:18:00] It just didn’t turn out that way. Certainly not the way I pictured it, with our family gathering regularly for holidays and vacations, with my kids either.

[00:18:10] GTS: They prefer to celebrate at their own homes, creating their own traditions, or they live far away and can’t or don’t want to travel during the holidays. Oh, gosh, who can blame them? And to be fair, we don’t want to travel much during the holidays either, even if we were invited. It’s been a challenge for me to adjust to this, but I’ve done my best. And then there’s the total estrangement from children and grandchildren with no communication, which seems to occur more and more these days. That has to be incredibly painful. So many of us want so much to be involved in our kids’ and grandkids’ lives, but [00:19:00] sometimes it feels like we’re being left behind, discarded. The only constructive way to deal with this, in my mind, is to make the most of your own life and find ways of keeping communication open with family members in a low-pressure, positive, and loving way, with a light touch. It’s not easy.

[00:19:28] GTS: I looked up some stories online about people in similar situations.

[00:19:32] GTS: One woman I read about decided to take a different approach. She lived far away from her granddaughter and had been in regular communication with her, but as the girl became a teenager, her grandmother heard from her less and less, until hardly at all. This grandma wanted to keep the communication going. She wasn’t exactly a tech lover—she didn’t [00:20:00] enjoy social media or texting—but she started sending her granddaughter short, fun messages, sharing photos of her dog, whom her granddaughter loved. Slowly but surely, this helped reestablish a casual, friendly line of communication, with no guilt trip,

[00:20:22] GTS: no pressure. This lady also came to the realization that her granddaughter was growing up and becoming more independent and busy with her life. Instead of feeling hurt by the lack of communication compared to previous years, she focused on the quality of their interactions instead of the quantity. She found joy in the moments they did share. I think we should all [00:21:00] take a cue from this wise woman. If you're feeling distant from your children or grandchildren, open your mind to new possibilities for connecting with them, and definitely consider embracing technology to accomplish that.

[00:21:18] GTS: This next one—my God.

[00:21:21] GTS: I can barely touch this one.

[00:21:27] GTS: Loss of a pet.

[00:21:31] GTS: I felt like I barely made it through losing my beloved black lab, Sunny, when she died at age 11, about six years ago. I can still barely talk about it. So I'm not exactly an expert on this one, but I've researched a bit to find professional advice for you and for me. The one thing I will say is that after I'd grieved Sunny for about a year and got my puppy, Dorothy, I felt better. A new pet isn’t a replacement. It doesn't work that way. I still miss Sunny; no one and nothing can replace her. But I learned an important lesson about myself through losing her. I needed a dog in my life.

[00:22:28] GTS: It keeps me happy. It gives me someone to nurture. Also, she always makes me get up in the morning. I don’t have many bad days, but when I do, she pulls me back into what I call the river of life by insisting that I get up.

[00:22:50] GTS: Here are a few of my vet’s suggestions for managing grief after losing a pet. Allow yourself to accept support from others. Don’t close yourself off. Find comfort in your routines and the things you enjoy doing. Keep moving—do those things you need to do and love to do. Continue your relationship with your pet through memories.

[00:23:20] GTS: Start a legacy project about the pet. Memorialize him or her. Create a memory area where you can sit, reflect, and remember. And then, if and when you're ready, bring a new pet into your life.

[00:23:39] GTS: Oh, here’s a good one: grieving your old life. This is a real thing, and I certainly experience it sometimes. I miss my life as a mom with kids living in the house. For sure, I miss that. There are things from being a young woman that I miss. I miss babies. And also that breathless feeling of falling in love. And work. God, I miss going to work at a hotel, which is like a small town and having a hundred people to talk to and chat with and even just say good morning to. What a pleasure that was. Oh, and I miss being a daughter too. I will always be a daughter, but it's just not the same without Mom and Dad in this world. My current life has so many great things in it, just as I’m sure yours does. I have peace, more time to pursue my interests,

[00:24:42] GTS: lots of time with my husband, the ability to give my dog the attention she craves. I have too many blessings in my life today to describe them to you in this podcast episode. And that, for me, is the antidote for grieving your old life—gratitude for what is. There is always something to be grateful for, and that’s what we have to focus on. I have found that to be the key to happiness, in my life at least. Try it. Last, I think I have to mention the large and small events in our community, our country, and our world that may affect us and put us into a state of actual grief. From the Kennedy assassination,

[00:25:37] GTS: to the Twin Towers disaster, to the U.S. election that took place this past Tuesday—when the outcome surprises us or shocks us in a negative way or is not to our liking, we feel loss and then grief. It's normal. It’s natural, [00:26:00] but it can be a struggle. And I’d say again, keep on going, focus on the good things in your life, and cultivate as much gratitude for them as you can.

[00:26:12] GTS: You will move through the grief and the sadness and find peace and happiness again. Here are a few more coping strategies that might help you navigate the various types of grief and loss we've talked about today. First, consider creating a ritual to honor the subject of your feelings of loss—a practice that can help you feel your emotions about it and process them. This could be something like lighting a candle for a lost loved one every night or keeping a journal where you reflect on your feelings about your loss and recovery, or just write down your favorite memories of them. You could create a [00:27:00] piece of art inspired by your loved one and the experience. And again, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Therapy, support groups, and grief counseling can all provide you with tools to navigate your emotions in a healthy way. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can make all the difference.

[00:27:29] GTS: Also, lean on your community, whether it’s a local group, a faith-based organization, or even an online community. Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences can provide comfort and understanding, including this 60 Something community. Join us on Facebook anytime, and we can continue the conversation.

[00:27:58] GTS: One last thing. [00:28:00]

[00:28:01] GTS: I didn’t directly address the grief one experiences when the loss is of a spouse or a child. I haven’t experienced that myself, and even though I suspect the coping strategies would be similar to those we've discussed in this episode, I’m not going to presume that I can understand that specific and devastating kind of loss. The only advice I’d offer is to seek professional help

[00:28:30] GTS: if you're overwhelmed and struggling. And if you have spiritual faith, lean into it.

[00:28:38] GTS: Grief is a journey, and it's one that we each walk in our own way. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and there’s no timeline for healing. But by sharing our stories, supporting each other, and taking steps to honor our losses and care for ourselves, [00:29:00] we can navigate difficult times. Thank you for joining me today. I hope that the stories and strategies we’ve shared have provided you with some comfort and guidance as you deal with loss. And remember, you're not alone. I’m here, and I care about you. Again, if you’d like to continue this conversation, I invite you to join our 60 Something

[00:29:30] GTS: Facebook group, where we can support each other through these experiences. I’d love to hear your stories and the ways you’ve found to cope with grief and loss. Don’t forget to tune in next week for our next episode, where we’re going to discuss how to create a family cookbook—just in time for the holidays. Until next time, [00:30:00] take care of yourselves and each other. See you next time on 60 Something.